Journey

Sometimes I feel like there are some life lessons that you have to learn a couple times before they really sink in. The main one that's been coming in my life recently is this whole concept of "getting over something".

I have come to learn that even when you think you're "over" something, it can still hurt you. For some people, it's like having a constant head ache, a pain that never really leaves that you just get used to after a while. For others, it's like reopening an old wound, it didn't hurt before, but now it's so painful you can't NOT think about it.

Life is a journey. You just gotta take things one step at a time.

Dump

I've been away for awhile...sorry 'bout that.

I've been thinking about posting for a long time, but only just now found the inspiration...so here goes.

I haven't been posting because my life has been CRAZY recently, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my lame, depressing problems, but I realized that this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want, and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it!

Here's the basics of my life right now:

 My dad and I have a (some-what) functional and stable relationship (for now), but for some reason I'm still upset. 

I have bad days, where I wake up feeling depressed or anxious, with no motivation or appetite. I make it through school, sometimes my day improves, and sometimes I break down.

I have good days where I wake up energized and really hungry, and I'm able to forget about my problems and enjoy myself.

My life has been a complete emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes I think that I will be stuck like this forever, prone to ups and downs based on how much sleep I got.

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity, where I can see that everything will be alright, that I am strong, that my pain will end, but there are also moments when all I see is darkness, and I feel so completely and utterly lost.

So to sum up...I'm surviving. I make it through my days one step at a time. Sometimes they're painful steps, but I always make it through. 

Thank you to everyone who's been supporting me through this madness. They are so many people who I rely on, people who get me through my days, people I swear I would fall apart without, and I know that most of them don't even read my blog. 

So again, thank you.

One step at a time

First off, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my life has been hectic, to say the least.

The last time I posted was December 12th, and SO MUCH has happened since then I don't even know where to start...but here goes.

STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

1. I have an anxiety disorder. It can be hard to diagnose anxiety, since the tests really only measure how anxious you're feeling in the exact moment you take them, but based on the fact that I got an almost diagnosable result when I was calm, and a severe result when I was a little bit anxious, I have kind of self-diagnosed myself.

2. I saw my dad for the first time in six months yesterday. All I'm going to say here was that it went fine and he was very nice to me and my mom.

DIABETES

1. My last HbA1c was 7.5!!! I hoping to get it down even more, but that means I'm seriously gonna have to stop snacking...

RANDOM

1. I got a GRYFFINDOR SCARF!!!!!!! :D

2. I saw LES MIS!!!! <3 (made me cry...)

3. DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON 3!!! (also made me cry.......)

For those of you who don't know, here is a list of movies/tv shows I've ever cried at...

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (3 times)
2. Les Miserables (3 times)
3. Downton Abbey Season 3 Episode 4 (1 time)

Life goes on, and I must move on with it.

New Day

Today is World Diabetes Day!

I wore my "Does this shirt make me look diabetic?" shirt today. I showed my diabetic friend, and she thought it was awesome. Some people thought it was funny. Some people were just confused.

I was given candy, pizza, and a frappuccino today. Slightly ironic.

My dad also emailed me today. Twice. And I'm ok.

The first email freaked me out. He said he wanted to come see me. I told him I don't want to see him right now. He then sent me this big long email. He says he misses me and he's sad. I don't know if I believe him anymore.

The good thing is when I got the second email, I didn't panic like I usually do. I was calm the whole time I was reading it.

I feel like I'm really moving on.

Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean you're broken.

Clarity

For the first time in a while, I had an awesome week. I forgot about my dad for a while, and when he emailed me, I received advice from my buddy A to just...let it go. So I did.

I've been trying this new thing lately. When something upsets me, I allow myself to feel the emotion, then I calm myself down and let it go. And it works amazingly well.

Also I just wanted to send a little shout out to my girl K, who has always been there for me but who I believe doesn't get enough credit. She's the one who asks for updates on my dad, and even steers A and G back on topic when they interrupt me. She's the one with the cute clothes who knows all the coolest hairstyles. She is one of my best friends in the whole world. K, you are beautiful and I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me.

On another note, this time tomorrow...I'LL BE WITH MY DPB, M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so, I happily conclude this post, feeling as though everything is falling into place. I'm getting over my pain, little by little.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.

Roller Coaster

It's funny how one event can change some one's mood so drastically. Last Wednesday, I was feeling really awesome. I was better than good. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as I could, and it felt great. Then on Saturday I got an email from my (adoptive) dad. Just seeing the email made me feel anxious. Then I read it. My granddad passed away. I can't believe it. One more thing to add to my list. I was fine all day Sunday and most of today, but this evening, I lost it. I had a meltdown and cried and cried and cried. And it's not just about my granddad. It's about my dad in general. In an hour or so, my dad is going to call, and I am going to have to talk to him. The very idea of speaking to him on the phone makes me feel sick. I feel so...empty. It's like all my energy and happpiness has been drained and I've been filled with despair and patheticness. And I hate it. But I don't know how to make it better, and it kills me. I don't know how to make myself happy. I always find a way to find the bright side, but right now, I can't. I'm done.

I thought I was doing better. I thought that maybe things were gonna be ok. But now, I can't imagine anything that can end my bad mood. Except some chocolate. In all seriousness, I'm going through another rough patch. People keep telling me that things will get better...I'd like to believe them.

Sorry for this depressing post, I'm just focusing my energy on not falling apart right now.

I wish I had a quote to put here............

Love you all.

Moving on

So I sent my dad my letter on Tuesday, and I've been trying to write a post about it, but until now I was too upset to write anything decent. I was going to write a summary of the crazy phone call madness that occurred, but I've retold the story so many times at this point that I'd rather write something more reflective.

In writing my letter, I tried my best to not accuse my dad of anything so he wouldn't get defensive. I made it short and to the point, while expressing everything I wanted to say to him. I also included this paragraph long metaphor, comparing our relationship to a boat. Overall I thought it was a pretty good letter, but even after all my effort to keep it 'neutral' he was still defensive...he finds ways to interpret accusations out of everything I say.

In the end he said he wouldn't call me anymore and that I can call him when I was ready. I felt a huge amount of relief at this (although he did say that I was making a mistake). Then on Wednesday (the next day) he called me asking me if I wanted him to pick me up. Of course I said no, and he said to call him whenever I wanted to go see him. Then on Sunday, he called again (my phone was on silent so I listened to the voice mail) and he said he just wanted to see how I was doing and told me some stuff about work. He's acting as if nothing happened, and I don't understand why. He hardly ever calls me on the weekends, and now that I've asked him to leave me alone, he's suddenly calling me non-stop. I don't understand him...

Anyways, hopefully things will be better from now on, now that I've removed one of the major stress factors from my life. I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who's helped me. I love you all.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Signature

So I was listening to this song on the radio the other day, and I just listened to it again, this time while reading the lyrics, and it made me think of my dad. I know the song is supposed to be about her boyfriend, but when I imagined that I was singing it to my dad, for the most part, it made sense.
Anyways, I've been working on a letter to send my dad, since I could never tell him how I feel out loud. I just really hope he understands. I've been fiddling with it for the past week or so, and I'm actually quite happy with what I have right now. I'm going to handwrite the final copy, partly because it makes it more personal, partly because I hope that in signing the letter, I'll get some closure.

Rising sun

Hey there everyone.
I realize my last post was fairly depressing, and I just wanted to clarify something. Despite the fact that my life is kind of stressful right now, I still manage to enjoy myself.
Small joys that brighten up my day, like jamming it out to Bohemian Rhapsody while everyone else is asleep, and watching the sunrise, or late night texts to people I miss and trying to supress my laughter because I don't want to wake anyone up.
And of course, I have big joys from the past that cheer me up. Like singing Bohemian Rhapsody on stage with some of my closest friends and going all out with air guitar and everything. Or surprise dance parties with dub step and chocolate milk. Or inside jokes that never stop being funny.
And I have lots of things to look forward to. Like my yearly visit with my birth family (which starts tomorrow!). And seeing T so I can finally give her a big hug. And visiting M in the fall and meeting all her awesome friends.
And that's how I get through my days. Working on my letter to my dad, trying to focus on the happy things, taking it one step at a time. A few texts to T and A here and there, all my emails to M.
I love my dad, despite everything, and I hope that one day I'll be able to talk about him without being upset, or angry, or depressed.
I hope I'll be able to forgive him.
I hope I'll be able to forgive myself.
I'd like to say I know things will be okay. But I don't. And that's okay.
The sun will continue to rise, no matter what. My life will continue without my dad.

Letting go

So as some of you may know, my (adoptive) dad and I have some...problems, to say the least. Basically, I'm mad at him for leaving my mom and I. The fact that he's a sociopath who thinks he's always right, never apologizes, and has no moral conscience doesn't really help.

For the past five years, I've been putting up with him, simply because he's my dad. But recently, I've been wondering what would happen if I stopped seeing him. Until this past weekend, I hadn't seen him in a month, and every thing was perfectly fine. I don't remember thinking once, "I miss my dad." Still, I feel some sort of obligation to see him, so I went to his house for five days. Everything was fine, in fact I was almost enjoying myself. Then we had a huge fight, leaving me feeling angrier than I had ever felt before. Then he comes back twenty minutes later, acting as if nothing happened, and asks me if I want to go shopping with him. In my head, I was screaming at him that I didn't want to go anywhere with him, but of course I ended up going anyways. The entire time, he didn't even acknowledge that we'd had a fight or that I was upset. He didn't apologize.

Even when he does apologize, my dad never says "I'm sorry I upset you." or anything like that. Instead he says "I'm sorry you feel upset." which is his way of pretending to apologize without taking any credit for his actions. Needless to say, I came home upset and frustrated. I started texting my friend T (yes M, I'm stealing you're idea of using letter abbreviations for my friends' names) and then I just broke down. I cried and sobbed and let go of all of the built up pressure I'd been holding inside. You see, I have this nasty habit of bottling up my feelings, especially when I feel I need to cry. Mainly because I hate crying in front of others, even my friends, but also because when my parents divorced, I always felt I had to be strong for my mom, since my dad wasn't there any more.

So I cried. I cried about how frustrated I was that I have him as my father. About how tired I was of putting up with him. About how much I wanted to never see him again. About how afraid I was of actually cutting him off. About how annoyed I was for letting it get this bad. I cried about everything that's happened between us in the last five years.

I went downstairs, still crying, and talked to my mom. My mom is a counselor and an overall sympathetic person, so I always love talking to her. My mom gets up to let the dog outside, and my notification sound on my phone goes off. One unread message. It's from T again, and she's telling me that "[I am] better than him in any and every possible way" and that "he does not, in any way, deserve some one as amazing, smart, beautiful and dazzling in everyday person like [me] as a daughter". Then I really lost it. But this time I wasn't crying because I was upset, or frustrated. I was crying because it felt so nice to hear from some one else what I've been thinking all along. Reading that text, I suddenly felt like I could do it. I could cut him out of my life for good. No matter what happens, I can handle it. Because that's all life is, a series of challenges, and once you learn how to get past those challenges, you know how to live life.

Long story short, I've decided I'm not going to see my dad anymore. This next part of my life is going to be difficult for me, and while part of me wishes that I could just have a clean break where my dad realizes that this is my decision and leaves my mom out of it, I know that will never happen.

So I just want to say thank you. Thank you to my 'homegirls' A, G, and K, for always being there for me. Thank you to T, for giving me the extra push I needed to make this decision. Thank you to my dead pancreas buddy M, for listening to me complaining. Thank you to my family, for all your support and love. And thank you to anyone actually reading this long post. I love and appreciate all of you.

Trust

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote rings so true to me, I can't even begin to explain it. But I'll try...

For diabetes, you have to be able to trust your instincts when you feel low, high, like you bolused too much, or too little. Sometimes you have to ignore what other people think or say and just follow your gut, and that can be really hard to do. However, you also need to be able to trust others as well. Like when your mom says she thinks your low because your grumpy, and you really want to tell you're not, but you test anyways. Or when you feel low, and your meter says you're 14.1.

I must admit, I sometimes have difficulty trusting. Not all the time, just with certain sensitive issues like my parents' divorce and all the details. So trusting myself is really important in my life. I do have some close friends that I trust with a few things, but honestly, I haven't sat down and told anyone all of my problems, secrets and inner thoughts. I just don't do that. I tell my diabetic friends things about diabetes, I tell my empathetic friends about my parents' divorce, I tell my friends who are good listeners all about my adoption. But I haven't told one person all of these things. Everyone in my life receives snippets of who I truly am, but not the whole picture. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing.

Returning to reality, all this to say, I trust myself more than anyone else. I am the only one who knows everything to know about me, and that's ok. Maybe one day I'll come across someone who I trust more than myself, but I'll deal with that when it happens.

Not a bad first post, if I do say so myself.

Here's another quote to finish it off.

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." - Ernest Hemingway