Inner peace

So...it's been a while. Again.

But this time, I'm not coming back to tell you how bad things have been going, or how hopeless I feel, because yesterday I found peace.

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like the ugly thoughts creeping at the back of mind have been completely erased. All the stressful things seem less important and all the good things make me joyful, so I've been calm, happy, and content pretty much all day (I only say pretty much because I had to present my French speech in class today, but after I was done and even before I was fine).

Anyways, just thought I'd give y'all a little update. I'm gonna try to post more now that things aren't as hectic (although my final exams are coming up soon...yikes!).

As always I want to thank everyone for all the support, I love you all.

And as per my tradition, a quote:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. 
People change so that you can learn to let go. 
Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
-Marliyn Monroe.

One step at a time

First off, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my life has been hectic, to say the least.

The last time I posted was December 12th, and SO MUCH has happened since then I don't even know where to start...but here goes.

STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

1. I have an anxiety disorder. It can be hard to diagnose anxiety, since the tests really only measure how anxious you're feeling in the exact moment you take them, but based on the fact that I got an almost diagnosable result when I was calm, and a severe result when I was a little bit anxious, I have kind of self-diagnosed myself.

2. I saw my dad for the first time in six months yesterday. All I'm going to say here was that it went fine and he was very nice to me and my mom.

DIABETES

1. My last HbA1c was 7.5!!! I hoping to get it down even more, but that means I'm seriously gonna have to stop snacking...

RANDOM

1. I got a GRYFFINDOR SCARF!!!!!!! :D

2. I saw LES MIS!!!! <3 (made me cry...)

3. DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON 3!!! (also made me cry.......)

For those of you who don't know, here is a list of movies/tv shows I've ever cried at...

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (3 times)
2. Les Miserables (3 times)
3. Downton Abbey Season 3 Episode 4 (1 time)

Life goes on, and I must move on with it.

Surface

So....I haven't posted in a while...sorry about that...notthatanyoneactuallyreadsmyblog...

Anyways, things have been crazy busy with me lately, but despite all of the chaos, I feel very...accomplished. I've gotten a few emails from my dad, most of them just silly nonsense, but I let myself get upset over them and I also allowed the stress from my dad to impact my life in general, and that is not okay.

So, I have devised a plan to let go of everything I've been holding on to. I am going to write a list of things I want to tell my dad. A list full of regrets, shames, secrets, and anything else I want to write on it. Just knowing that I'm gonna make this list makes me feel lighter and more free.

So today, I forgot about my dad and just enjoyed life, and I gotta say, enjoying life is fun.

I laughed like crazy, danced when I felt like it, and smiled just because I wanted to.

It was beautiful.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm treading water, and it's all I can do to keep my head up, and sometimes waves hit me and I'm sinking, but now today, I felt my feet touch the bottom, I think I finally found the shore.

All in all, things are looking bright.

"The future depends on what you do today." -Mahatma Ghandi

Talent

Do you ever have one of those moments when you realize you're good at something? I don't mean just good, I mean really good, like exceptionally, amazingly, fantastically good.

That's how I feel about my writing right now.

I've always been good at English, it's just one of my strong suits. I have a way with words, especially poetry and short stories. But lately I've been noticing that my other stuff is good too, like my essays and even my response questions. And it feels good to recognize this talent.

In all honesty, it feels good to feel good about something.

I'm just really happy. And I like it. A lot.

And my English teacher would totally kick me in the shin in the food court of a crowded mall for saying a lot, but right now, I'm too blissful to care.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." -Dalai Lama XIV

(In case anyone was wondering, I get most of my lovely quotes from here: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes )

New Day

Today is World Diabetes Day!

I wore my "Does this shirt make me look diabetic?" shirt today. I showed my diabetic friend, and she thought it was awesome. Some people thought it was funny. Some people were just confused.

I was given candy, pizza, and a frappuccino today. Slightly ironic.

My dad also emailed me today. Twice. And I'm ok.

The first email freaked me out. He said he wanted to come see me. I told him I don't want to see him right now. He then sent me this big long email. He says he misses me and he's sad. I don't know if I believe him anymore.

The good thing is when I got the second email, I didn't panic like I usually do. I was calm the whole time I was reading it.

I feel like I'm really moving on.

Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean you're broken.

Good times

So I just got back from visiting M a few hours ago. 

I miss her already.

We had so much fun, I had a BLAST! We watched 3 Disney movies, suffered through the cold weather, laughed liked maniacs, and proved that even diabetics can be weird. <3

"It's weird not to be weird." - John Lennon

Clarity

For the first time in a while, I had an awesome week. I forgot about my dad for a while, and when he emailed me, I received advice from my buddy A to just...let it go. So I did.

I've been trying this new thing lately. When something upsets me, I allow myself to feel the emotion, then I calm myself down and let it go. And it works amazingly well.

Also I just wanted to send a little shout out to my girl K, who has always been there for me but who I believe doesn't get enough credit. She's the one who asks for updates on my dad, and even steers A and G back on topic when they interrupt me. She's the one with the cute clothes who knows all the coolest hairstyles. She is one of my best friends in the whole world. K, you are beautiful and I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me.

On another note, this time tomorrow...I'LL BE WITH MY DPB, M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so, I happily conclude this post, feeling as though everything is falling into place. I'm getting over my pain, little by little.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.

Peace

I am happy.

And it's amazing.

(A quote from a previous post..."I don't know how to make myself happy.")

Well, I don't know how but I figured it out.

I am also sooooooooo excited!

1. Tomorrow I am going to Anime Evolution. That's right, I am an anime nerd, and proud of it! PLUS, I get to see T, who I haven't seen in a month. Awesome!

2. I made it through what felt like the LONGEST day ever! And I have NO HOMEWORK! Awesome!!!

3. NEXT WEEK, I shall be visiting my DPB, M, who I haven't seen since JULY! I've skyped her a few times in the past few weeks, and it's great just to hear her voice (and her laugh!) again. I CAN'T WAIT unitl I get to see her and hug her (and probably cry happy tears)!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as usual, I've got a magnificent quote for all you lovelies...

"The future depends on what you do today." -Ghandi

Wonder

When things got really bad there for a while, I hoped that I would receive a sign that things will be ok.

Today, I got that sign.

For the second time in my life, I saw a full rainbow.

It was amazing.

I'm gonna to be okay. In fact, I'm gonna be better than okay.

I'm gonna be better than good.

Grace

I have so many things to be grateful for today.

First of all, my lovely family, both biological and adopted. I love them all so much, and the love they return to me is overwhelming.

Secondly, my amazing friends. They are always there for me no matter what, and I am so proud to call them my friends. A special shout out to my girls A, K, and G, my support T, and my DPB M. You in five in particular have helped me get through these rough times, whether it's late night texts, hugging me while I cry, or just supporting me in my time of need, you have all made a huge impact on my life. Without you I would just fall apart.

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing you are loved, and I have known this all along thanks to my wonderful family and friends, I love them all.

I'm also thankful for a few simple things. Shelter, food, water. Being alive. Happiness.

May you all find something to be thankful for in your lives.