Journey

Sometimes I feel like there are some life lessons that you have to learn a couple times before they really sink in. The main one that's been coming in my life recently is this whole concept of "getting over something".

I have come to learn that even when you think you're "over" something, it can still hurt you. For some people, it's like having a constant head ache, a pain that never really leaves that you just get used to after a while. For others, it's like reopening an old wound, it didn't hurt before, but now it's so painful you can't NOT think about it.

Life is a journey. You just gotta take things one step at a time.

Grace

I have so many things to be grateful for today.

First of all, my lovely family, both biological and adopted. I love them all so much, and the love they return to me is overwhelming.

Secondly, my amazing friends. They are always there for me no matter what, and I am so proud to call them my friends. A special shout out to my girls A, K, and G, my support T, and my DPB M. You in five in particular have helped me get through these rough times, whether it's late night texts, hugging me while I cry, or just supporting me in my time of need, you have all made a huge impact on my life. Without you I would just fall apart.

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing you are loved, and I have known this all along thanks to my wonderful family and friends, I love them all.

I'm also thankful for a few simple things. Shelter, food, water. Being alive. Happiness.

May you all find something to be thankful for in your lives.

Roller Coaster

It's funny how one event can change some one's mood so drastically. Last Wednesday, I was feeling really awesome. I was better than good. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as I could, and it felt great. Then on Saturday I got an email from my (adoptive) dad. Just seeing the email made me feel anxious. Then I read it. My granddad passed away. I can't believe it. One more thing to add to my list. I was fine all day Sunday and most of today, but this evening, I lost it. I had a meltdown and cried and cried and cried. And it's not just about my granddad. It's about my dad in general. In an hour or so, my dad is going to call, and I am going to have to talk to him. The very idea of speaking to him on the phone makes me feel sick. I feel so...empty. It's like all my energy and happpiness has been drained and I've been filled with despair and patheticness. And I hate it. But I don't know how to make it better, and it kills me. I don't know how to make myself happy. I always find a way to find the bright side, but right now, I can't. I'm done.

I thought I was doing better. I thought that maybe things were gonna be ok. But now, I can't imagine anything that can end my bad mood. Except some chocolate. In all seriousness, I'm going through another rough patch. People keep telling me that things will get better...I'd like to believe them.

Sorry for this depressing post, I'm just focusing my energy on not falling apart right now.

I wish I had a quote to put here............

Love you all.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.