Nine years

So, sometime in June is my nine year diaversary (diabetes anniversary for those who don't know). All I can say is...holy crap.

9 years of my life with a "dead pancreas".

9 years of my life doing my blood sugar at least 4 times a day.

9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

9 years of my life explaining, answering people's questions, clarifying stereotypes.

9 years of my life.

9 years of my life!

These days, it's so hard to remember NOT being diabetic. It is so much a part of me and my life, that I can't imagine what life would be like without it.

The CDA (Canadian Diabetes Association) has this contest thing (I think...) where they ask "What would a cure mean to you?"

Before, I always thought about being able to eat whenever I want, having more freedom, that kinda thing.

But just know I realized a cure would change my entire life. Literally.

I wouldn't have to take insulin, or do my blood sugar, or count carbs, or any of it.

Anyways, I wanted to talk a bit about one of things I said up there...9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

 I'm not gonna lie, this scares me.

I went to the optometrist a couple weeks ago, and they said that next year I might want to see a specialist because it's around the ten year mark that they start noticing eye complications due to diabetes.

That terrified me. I was telling my friend A about it later and almost started crying because holy crap.

It's amazing how much power words have. How the word "complications" can make your whole world seem to freeze for a minute.

Most of the time, I think I'm a good diabetic. But there are sometimes when it's hard.

I'm a teenager, so a large part of hanging out with my friends involves food. And sometimes, I forget to bolus or do my blood sugar, or I don't bolus enough and things get a little crazy.

Or sometimes I'm low in the middle of the night and I raid my fridge for 10 hunger crazed minutes.

I'm not neccessarily proud of these things, but I can't help it.

I'm not perfect, and that's perfectly fine.

This has turned into a rather long post, but I think you lovelies deserve it after my long absence.

You don't love someone because they're perfect, 
you love them despite the fact they're not.
-Jodi Picoult

One step at a time

First off, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my life has been hectic, to say the least.

The last time I posted was December 12th, and SO MUCH has happened since then I don't even know where to start...but here goes.

STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

1. I have an anxiety disorder. It can be hard to diagnose anxiety, since the tests really only measure how anxious you're feeling in the exact moment you take them, but based on the fact that I got an almost diagnosable result when I was calm, and a severe result when I was a little bit anxious, I have kind of self-diagnosed myself.

2. I saw my dad for the first time in six months yesterday. All I'm going to say here was that it went fine and he was very nice to me and my mom.

DIABETES

1. My last HbA1c was 7.5!!! I hoping to get it down even more, but that means I'm seriously gonna have to stop snacking...

RANDOM

1. I got a GRYFFINDOR SCARF!!!!!!! :D

2. I saw LES MIS!!!! <3 (made me cry...)

3. DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON 3!!! (also made me cry.......)

For those of you who don't know, here is a list of movies/tv shows I've ever cried at...

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (3 times)
2. Les Miserables (3 times)
3. Downton Abbey Season 3 Episode 4 (1 time)

Life goes on, and I must move on with it.

New Day

Today is World Diabetes Day!

I wore my "Does this shirt make me look diabetic?" shirt today. I showed my diabetic friend, and she thought it was awesome. Some people thought it was funny. Some people were just confused.

I was given candy, pizza, and a frappuccino today. Slightly ironic.

My dad also emailed me today. Twice. And I'm ok.

The first email freaked me out. He said he wanted to come see me. I told him I don't want to see him right now. He then sent me this big long email. He says he misses me and he's sad. I don't know if I believe him anymore.

The good thing is when I got the second email, I didn't panic like I usually do. I was calm the whole time I was reading it.

I feel like I'm really moving on.

Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean you're broken.

Good times

So I just got back from visiting M a few hours ago. 

I miss her already.

We had so much fun, I had a BLAST! We watched 3 Disney movies, suffered through the cold weather, laughed liked maniacs, and proved that even diabetics can be weird. <3

"It's weird not to be weird." - John Lennon

Peace

I am happy.

And it's amazing.

(A quote from a previous post..."I don't know how to make myself happy.")

Well, I don't know how but I figured it out.

I am also sooooooooo excited!

1. Tomorrow I am going to Anime Evolution. That's right, I am an anime nerd, and proud of it! PLUS, I get to see T, who I haven't seen in a month. Awesome!

2. I made it through what felt like the LONGEST day ever! And I have NO HOMEWORK! Awesome!!!

3. NEXT WEEK, I shall be visiting my DPB, M, who I haven't seen since JULY! I've skyped her a few times in the past few weeks, and it's great just to hear her voice (and her laugh!) again. I CAN'T WAIT unitl I get to see her and hug her (and probably cry happy tears)!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as usual, I've got a magnificent quote for all you lovelies...

"The future depends on what you do today." -Ghandi

Silver lining

I'm starting to feel better. For a while there, everything seemed crappy, but I'm slowly getting back to my old self. For example I laughed so hard I fell to the floor today. Twice. And it was awesome. My friends have really been there for me, and I have no idea what I'd do with out them. They are my anchor to keep me from drifting away from sanity.

Also my blood sugars have been really good lately. Like seriously. I went to go see my endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) and we changed a few things on my pump and now my blood sugars are excellent! My doctor was a bit rude to me (just like last time) but I do respect what she was saying.

You know what bugs me? People asking me whether I have the "good kind" or the "bad kind" of diabetes. Sometimes I wonder how a society of people where diabetes is becoming more and more common can be so ignorant about these things. I don't blame them, I just wish there was more education on diabetes, better portrayals of diabetics on TV, that kind of thing.

To continue with my tradition of quotes...

If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is


Peace, love and rock and roll!

Trust

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote rings so true to me, I can't even begin to explain it. But I'll try...

For diabetes, you have to be able to trust your instincts when you feel low, high, like you bolused too much, or too little. Sometimes you have to ignore what other people think or say and just follow your gut, and that can be really hard to do. However, you also need to be able to trust others as well. Like when your mom says she thinks your low because your grumpy, and you really want to tell you're not, but you test anyways. Or when you feel low, and your meter says you're 14.1.

I must admit, I sometimes have difficulty trusting. Not all the time, just with certain sensitive issues like my parents' divorce and all the details. So trusting myself is really important in my life. I do have some close friends that I trust with a few things, but honestly, I haven't sat down and told anyone all of my problems, secrets and inner thoughts. I just don't do that. I tell my diabetic friends things about diabetes, I tell my empathetic friends about my parents' divorce, I tell my friends who are good listeners all about my adoption. But I haven't told one person all of these things. Everyone in my life receives snippets of who I truly am, but not the whole picture. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing.

Returning to reality, all this to say, I trust myself more than anyone else. I am the only one who knows everything to know about me, and that's ok. Maybe one day I'll come across someone who I trust more than myself, but I'll deal with that when it happens.

Not a bad first post, if I do say so myself.

Here's another quote to finish it off.

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." - Ernest Hemingway