Journey

Sometimes I feel like there are some life lessons that you have to learn a couple times before they really sink in. The main one that's been coming in my life recently is this whole concept of "getting over something".

I have come to learn that even when you think you're "over" something, it can still hurt you. For some people, it's like having a constant head ache, a pain that never really leaves that you just get used to after a while. For others, it's like reopening an old wound, it didn't hurt before, but now it's so painful you can't NOT think about it.

Life is a journey. You just gotta take things one step at a time.

Nine years

So, sometime in June is my nine year diaversary (diabetes anniversary for those who don't know). All I can say is...holy crap.

9 years of my life with a "dead pancreas".

9 years of my life doing my blood sugar at least 4 times a day.

9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

9 years of my life explaining, answering people's questions, clarifying stereotypes.

9 years of my life.

9 years of my life!

These days, it's so hard to remember NOT being diabetic. It is so much a part of me and my life, that I can't imagine what life would be like without it.

The CDA (Canadian Diabetes Association) has this contest thing (I think...) where they ask "What would a cure mean to you?"

Before, I always thought about being able to eat whenever I want, having more freedom, that kinda thing.

But just know I realized a cure would change my entire life. Literally.

I wouldn't have to take insulin, or do my blood sugar, or count carbs, or any of it.

Anyways, I wanted to talk a bit about one of things I said up there...9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

 I'm not gonna lie, this scares me.

I went to the optometrist a couple weeks ago, and they said that next year I might want to see a specialist because it's around the ten year mark that they start noticing eye complications due to diabetes.

That terrified me. I was telling my friend A about it later and almost started crying because holy crap.

It's amazing how much power words have. How the word "complications" can make your whole world seem to freeze for a minute.

Most of the time, I think I'm a good diabetic. But there are sometimes when it's hard.

I'm a teenager, so a large part of hanging out with my friends involves food. And sometimes, I forget to bolus or do my blood sugar, or I don't bolus enough and things get a little crazy.

Or sometimes I'm low in the middle of the night and I raid my fridge for 10 hunger crazed minutes.

I'm not neccessarily proud of these things, but I can't help it.

I'm not perfect, and that's perfectly fine.

This has turned into a rather long post, but I think you lovelies deserve it after my long absence.

You don't love someone because they're perfect, 
you love them despite the fact they're not.
-Jodi Picoult

Inner peace

So...it's been a while. Again.

But this time, I'm not coming back to tell you how bad things have been going, or how hopeless I feel, because yesterday I found peace.

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like the ugly thoughts creeping at the back of mind have been completely erased. All the stressful things seem less important and all the good things make me joyful, so I've been calm, happy, and content pretty much all day (I only say pretty much because I had to present my French speech in class today, but after I was done and even before I was fine).

Anyways, just thought I'd give y'all a little update. I'm gonna try to post more now that things aren't as hectic (although my final exams are coming up soon...yikes!).

As always I want to thank everyone for all the support, I love you all.

And as per my tradition, a quote:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. 
People change so that you can learn to let go. 
Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
-Marliyn Monroe.

Dump

I've been away for awhile...sorry 'bout that.

I've been thinking about posting for a long time, but only just now found the inspiration...so here goes.

I haven't been posting because my life has been CRAZY recently, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my lame, depressing problems, but I realized that this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want, and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it!

Here's the basics of my life right now:

 My dad and I have a (some-what) functional and stable relationship (for now), but for some reason I'm still upset. 

I have bad days, where I wake up feeling depressed or anxious, with no motivation or appetite. I make it through school, sometimes my day improves, and sometimes I break down.

I have good days where I wake up energized and really hungry, and I'm able to forget about my problems and enjoy myself.

My life has been a complete emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes I think that I will be stuck like this forever, prone to ups and downs based on how much sleep I got.

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity, where I can see that everything will be alright, that I am strong, that my pain will end, but there are also moments when all I see is darkness, and I feel so completely and utterly lost.

So to sum up...I'm surviving. I make it through my days one step at a time. Sometimes they're painful steps, but I always make it through. 

Thank you to everyone who's been supporting me through this madness. They are so many people who I rely on, people who get me through my days, people I swear I would fall apart without, and I know that most of them don't even read my blog. 

So again, thank you.

One step at a time

First off, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my life has been hectic, to say the least.

The last time I posted was December 12th, and SO MUCH has happened since then I don't even know where to start...but here goes.

STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

1. I have an anxiety disorder. It can be hard to diagnose anxiety, since the tests really only measure how anxious you're feeling in the exact moment you take them, but based on the fact that I got an almost diagnosable result when I was calm, and a severe result when I was a little bit anxious, I have kind of self-diagnosed myself.

2. I saw my dad for the first time in six months yesterday. All I'm going to say here was that it went fine and he was very nice to me and my mom.

DIABETES

1. My last HbA1c was 7.5!!! I hoping to get it down even more, but that means I'm seriously gonna have to stop snacking...

RANDOM

1. I got a GRYFFINDOR SCARF!!!!!!! :D

2. I saw LES MIS!!!! <3 (made me cry...)

3. DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON 3!!! (also made me cry.......)

For those of you who don't know, here is a list of movies/tv shows I've ever cried at...

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (3 times)
2. Les Miserables (3 times)
3. Downton Abbey Season 3 Episode 4 (1 time)

Life goes on, and I must move on with it.

Surface

So....I haven't posted in a while...sorry about that...notthatanyoneactuallyreadsmyblog...

Anyways, things have been crazy busy with me lately, but despite all of the chaos, I feel very...accomplished. I've gotten a few emails from my dad, most of them just silly nonsense, but I let myself get upset over them and I also allowed the stress from my dad to impact my life in general, and that is not okay.

So, I have devised a plan to let go of everything I've been holding on to. I am going to write a list of things I want to tell my dad. A list full of regrets, shames, secrets, and anything else I want to write on it. Just knowing that I'm gonna make this list makes me feel lighter and more free.

So today, I forgot about my dad and just enjoyed life, and I gotta say, enjoying life is fun.

I laughed like crazy, danced when I felt like it, and smiled just because I wanted to.

It was beautiful.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm treading water, and it's all I can do to keep my head up, and sometimes waves hit me and I'm sinking, but now today, I felt my feet touch the bottom, I think I finally found the shore.

All in all, things are looking bright.

"The future depends on what you do today." -Mahatma Ghandi

Talent

Do you ever have one of those moments when you realize you're good at something? I don't mean just good, I mean really good, like exceptionally, amazingly, fantastically good.

That's how I feel about my writing right now.

I've always been good at English, it's just one of my strong suits. I have a way with words, especially poetry and short stories. But lately I've been noticing that my other stuff is good too, like my essays and even my response questions. And it feels good to recognize this talent.

In all honesty, it feels good to feel good about something.

I'm just really happy. And I like it. A lot.

And my English teacher would totally kick me in the shin in the food court of a crowded mall for saying a lot, but right now, I'm too blissful to care.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." -Dalai Lama XIV

(In case anyone was wondering, I get most of my lovely quotes from here: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes )

New Day

Today is World Diabetes Day!

I wore my "Does this shirt make me look diabetic?" shirt today. I showed my diabetic friend, and she thought it was awesome. Some people thought it was funny. Some people were just confused.

I was given candy, pizza, and a frappuccino today. Slightly ironic.

My dad also emailed me today. Twice. And I'm ok.

The first email freaked me out. He said he wanted to come see me. I told him I don't want to see him right now. He then sent me this big long email. He says he misses me and he's sad. I don't know if I believe him anymore.

The good thing is when I got the second email, I didn't panic like I usually do. I was calm the whole time I was reading it.

I feel like I'm really moving on.

Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean you're broken.

Good times

So I just got back from visiting M a few hours ago. 

I miss her already.

We had so much fun, I had a BLAST! We watched 3 Disney movies, suffered through the cold weather, laughed liked maniacs, and proved that even diabetics can be weird. <3

"It's weird not to be weird." - John Lennon

Clarity

For the first time in a while, I had an awesome week. I forgot about my dad for a while, and when he emailed me, I received advice from my buddy A to just...let it go. So I did.

I've been trying this new thing lately. When something upsets me, I allow myself to feel the emotion, then I calm myself down and let it go. And it works amazingly well.

Also I just wanted to send a little shout out to my girl K, who has always been there for me but who I believe doesn't get enough credit. She's the one who asks for updates on my dad, and even steers A and G back on topic when they interrupt me. She's the one with the cute clothes who knows all the coolest hairstyles. She is one of my best friends in the whole world. K, you are beautiful and I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me.

On another note, this time tomorrow...I'LL BE WITH MY DPB, M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so, I happily conclude this post, feeling as though everything is falling into place. I'm getting over my pain, little by little.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.

Peace

I am happy.

And it's amazing.

(A quote from a previous post..."I don't know how to make myself happy.")

Well, I don't know how but I figured it out.

I am also sooooooooo excited!

1. Tomorrow I am going to Anime Evolution. That's right, I am an anime nerd, and proud of it! PLUS, I get to see T, who I haven't seen in a month. Awesome!

2. I made it through what felt like the LONGEST day ever! And I have NO HOMEWORK! Awesome!!!

3. NEXT WEEK, I shall be visiting my DPB, M, who I haven't seen since JULY! I've skyped her a few times in the past few weeks, and it's great just to hear her voice (and her laugh!) again. I CAN'T WAIT unitl I get to see her and hug her (and probably cry happy tears)!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as usual, I've got a magnificent quote for all you lovelies...

"The future depends on what you do today." -Ghandi

Wonder

When things got really bad there for a while, I hoped that I would receive a sign that things will be ok.

Today, I got that sign.

For the second time in my life, I saw a full rainbow.

It was amazing.

I'm gonna to be okay. In fact, I'm gonna be better than okay.

I'm gonna be better than good.

Grace

I have so many things to be grateful for today.

First of all, my lovely family, both biological and adopted. I love them all so much, and the love they return to me is overwhelming.

Secondly, my amazing friends. They are always there for me no matter what, and I am so proud to call them my friends. A special shout out to my girls A, K, and G, my support T, and my DPB M. You in five in particular have helped me get through these rough times, whether it's late night texts, hugging me while I cry, or just supporting me in my time of need, you have all made a huge impact on my life. Without you I would just fall apart.

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing you are loved, and I have known this all along thanks to my wonderful family and friends, I love them all.

I'm also thankful for a few simple things. Shelter, food, water. Being alive. Happiness.

May you all find something to be thankful for in your lives.

Silver lining

I'm starting to feel better. For a while there, everything seemed crappy, but I'm slowly getting back to my old self. For example I laughed so hard I fell to the floor today. Twice. And it was awesome. My friends have really been there for me, and I have no idea what I'd do with out them. They are my anchor to keep me from drifting away from sanity.

Also my blood sugars have been really good lately. Like seriously. I went to go see my endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) and we changed a few things on my pump and now my blood sugars are excellent! My doctor was a bit rude to me (just like last time) but I do respect what she was saying.

You know what bugs me? People asking me whether I have the "good kind" or the "bad kind" of diabetes. Sometimes I wonder how a society of people where diabetes is becoming more and more common can be so ignorant about these things. I don't blame them, I just wish there was more education on diabetes, better portrayals of diabetics on TV, that kind of thing.

To continue with my tradition of quotes...

If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is


Peace, love and rock and roll!

Roller Coaster

It's funny how one event can change some one's mood so drastically. Last Wednesday, I was feeling really awesome. I was better than good. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as I could, and it felt great. Then on Saturday I got an email from my (adoptive) dad. Just seeing the email made me feel anxious. Then I read it. My granddad passed away. I can't believe it. One more thing to add to my list. I was fine all day Sunday and most of today, but this evening, I lost it. I had a meltdown and cried and cried and cried. And it's not just about my granddad. It's about my dad in general. In an hour or so, my dad is going to call, and I am going to have to talk to him. The very idea of speaking to him on the phone makes me feel sick. I feel so...empty. It's like all my energy and happpiness has been drained and I've been filled with despair and patheticness. And I hate it. But I don't know how to make it better, and it kills me. I don't know how to make myself happy. I always find a way to find the bright side, but right now, I can't. I'm done.

I thought I was doing better. I thought that maybe things were gonna be ok. But now, I can't imagine anything that can end my bad mood. Except some chocolate. In all seriousness, I'm going through another rough patch. People keep telling me that things will get better...I'd like to believe them.

Sorry for this depressing post, I'm just focusing my energy on not falling apart right now.

I wish I had a quote to put here............

Love you all.

Forgiveness

I am not going to hold grudges anymore. It's not worth the energy. I am going to learn lessons from my mistakes and then move on.

I've forgiven those who have hurt me recently. This doesn't mean that I've forgotten everything that they've done, or that everything will go back to "normal". It means that I'm not gonna be mad at them anymore.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason."

Unfurl your wings

I have decided I'm going to be happy. Now matter what come my way, I am going to get through it, with a smile on my face. There are so many people in worse situations than me. Like starving children in Africa. Or families living in the "slums" of India. Or women being abused by their husbands. The list goes on and on. I am doing WAY better than these people. I am better than good.


"Don't worry, be happy." - Bob Marley

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." - John Lennon

Peace, Love, and Happiness to you all.

New Beginnings

Today was the first day of school. I'm pretty happy with my classes, all of my teachers seem nice, and I have friends in almost all my classes. Overall, I feel...tired. And kinda hungry...I should do my blood sugar...Anyways, I'm mainly tired 'cause I woke up at 7am today when I've been waking up at 9 or 10 (or 11:30). Also today we went to all eight of our classes, just to get the sense of where they are and meet the teachers and stuff, so basically I did WAY more walking around today then I usually would at school. I'm not trying to complain, but finding your way around a two story, rather large (in my opinion) school in the midst of around 2000 other people when you only have a basic idea of where you're going...it can be a bit stressful, to say the least. Although it certainly doesn't seem as daunting as my first year there...

So, continuing on, just wanted to put up a post to update y'all. Not much going on with me really, although my uncle's wedding is coming up, which normally wouldn't be THAT exciting except I get to walk my two year old cousin down the aisle since he's gonna be the ring bearer and my uncle needs someone to 'keep an eye on him'. Along with the fact that my little cousin is adorable and I love him heaps, I get to wear a super cute dress along with these new shoes I got that are kinda like fashionable combat boots. My grandma is probably gonna freak but it looks pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

Other than that, there's not much else to report...but I seriously am hungry and possibly low, so I gotta go.

Here's a quote for the 'new year'.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Moving on

So I sent my dad my letter on Tuesday, and I've been trying to write a post about it, but until now I was too upset to write anything decent. I was going to write a summary of the crazy phone call madness that occurred, but I've retold the story so many times at this point that I'd rather write something more reflective.

In writing my letter, I tried my best to not accuse my dad of anything so he wouldn't get defensive. I made it short and to the point, while expressing everything I wanted to say to him. I also included this paragraph long metaphor, comparing our relationship to a boat. Overall I thought it was a pretty good letter, but even after all my effort to keep it 'neutral' he was still defensive...he finds ways to interpret accusations out of everything I say.

In the end he said he wouldn't call me anymore and that I can call him when I was ready. I felt a huge amount of relief at this (although he did say that I was making a mistake). Then on Wednesday (the next day) he called me asking me if I wanted him to pick me up. Of course I said no, and he said to call him whenever I wanted to go see him. Then on Sunday, he called again (my phone was on silent so I listened to the voice mail) and he said he just wanted to see how I was doing and told me some stuff about work. He's acting as if nothing happened, and I don't understand why. He hardly ever calls me on the weekends, and now that I've asked him to leave me alone, he's suddenly calling me non-stop. I don't understand him...

Anyways, hopefully things will be better from now on, now that I've removed one of the major stress factors from my life. I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who's helped me. I love you all.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.