Journey

Sometimes I feel like there are some life lessons that you have to learn a couple times before they really sink in. The main one that's been coming in my life recently is this whole concept of "getting over something".

I have come to learn that even when you think you're "over" something, it can still hurt you. For some people, it's like having a constant head ache, a pain that never really leaves that you just get used to after a while. For others, it's like reopening an old wound, it didn't hurt before, but now it's so painful you can't NOT think about it.

Life is a journey. You just gotta take things one step at a time.

Nine years

So, sometime in June is my nine year diaversary (diabetes anniversary for those who don't know). All I can say is...holy crap.

9 years of my life with a "dead pancreas".

9 years of my life doing my blood sugar at least 4 times a day.

9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

9 years of my life explaining, answering people's questions, clarifying stereotypes.

9 years of my life.

9 years of my life!

These days, it's so hard to remember NOT being diabetic. It is so much a part of me and my life, that I can't imagine what life would be like without it.

The CDA (Canadian Diabetes Association) has this contest thing (I think...) where they ask "What would a cure mean to you?"

Before, I always thought about being able to eat whenever I want, having more freedom, that kinda thing.

But just know I realized a cure would change my entire life. Literally.

I wouldn't have to take insulin, or do my blood sugar, or count carbs, or any of it.

Anyways, I wanted to talk a bit about one of things I said up there...9 years of my life with a chronic illness that causes heart problems, kidney failure, blindness, etc.

 I'm not gonna lie, this scares me.

I went to the optometrist a couple weeks ago, and they said that next year I might want to see a specialist because it's around the ten year mark that they start noticing eye complications due to diabetes.

That terrified me. I was telling my friend A about it later and almost started crying because holy crap.

It's amazing how much power words have. How the word "complications" can make your whole world seem to freeze for a minute.

Most of the time, I think I'm a good diabetic. But there are sometimes when it's hard.

I'm a teenager, so a large part of hanging out with my friends involves food. And sometimes, I forget to bolus or do my blood sugar, or I don't bolus enough and things get a little crazy.

Or sometimes I'm low in the middle of the night and I raid my fridge for 10 hunger crazed minutes.

I'm not neccessarily proud of these things, but I can't help it.

I'm not perfect, and that's perfectly fine.

This has turned into a rather long post, but I think you lovelies deserve it after my long absence.

You don't love someone because they're perfect, 
you love them despite the fact they're not.
-Jodi Picoult

Inner peace

So...it's been a while. Again.

But this time, I'm not coming back to tell you how bad things have been going, or how hopeless I feel, because yesterday I found peace.

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like the ugly thoughts creeping at the back of mind have been completely erased. All the stressful things seem less important and all the good things make me joyful, so I've been calm, happy, and content pretty much all day (I only say pretty much because I had to present my French speech in class today, but after I was done and even before I was fine).

Anyways, just thought I'd give y'all a little update. I'm gonna try to post more now that things aren't as hectic (although my final exams are coming up soon...yikes!).

As always I want to thank everyone for all the support, I love you all.

And as per my tradition, a quote:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. 
People change so that you can learn to let go. 
Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
-Marliyn Monroe.

Dump

I've been away for awhile...sorry 'bout that.

I've been thinking about posting for a long time, but only just now found the inspiration...so here goes.

I haven't been posting because my life has been CRAZY recently, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my lame, depressing problems, but I realized that this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want, and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it!

Here's the basics of my life right now:

 My dad and I have a (some-what) functional and stable relationship (for now), but for some reason I'm still upset. 

I have bad days, where I wake up feeling depressed or anxious, with no motivation or appetite. I make it through school, sometimes my day improves, and sometimes I break down.

I have good days where I wake up energized and really hungry, and I'm able to forget about my problems and enjoy myself.

My life has been a complete emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes I think that I will be stuck like this forever, prone to ups and downs based on how much sleep I got.

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity, where I can see that everything will be alright, that I am strong, that my pain will end, but there are also moments when all I see is darkness, and I feel so completely and utterly lost.

So to sum up...I'm surviving. I make it through my days one step at a time. Sometimes they're painful steps, but I always make it through. 

Thank you to everyone who's been supporting me through this madness. They are so many people who I rely on, people who get me through my days, people I swear I would fall apart without, and I know that most of them don't even read my blog. 

So again, thank you.

One step at a time

First off, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my life has been hectic, to say the least.

The last time I posted was December 12th, and SO MUCH has happened since then I don't even know where to start...but here goes.

STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

1. I have an anxiety disorder. It can be hard to diagnose anxiety, since the tests really only measure how anxious you're feeling in the exact moment you take them, but based on the fact that I got an almost diagnosable result when I was calm, and a severe result when I was a little bit anxious, I have kind of self-diagnosed myself.

2. I saw my dad for the first time in six months yesterday. All I'm going to say here was that it went fine and he was very nice to me and my mom.

DIABETES

1. My last HbA1c was 7.5!!! I hoping to get it down even more, but that means I'm seriously gonna have to stop snacking...

RANDOM

1. I got a GRYFFINDOR SCARF!!!!!!! :D

2. I saw LES MIS!!!! <3 (made me cry...)

3. DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON 3!!! (also made me cry.......)

For those of you who don't know, here is a list of movies/tv shows I've ever cried at...

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (3 times)
2. Les Miserables (3 times)
3. Downton Abbey Season 3 Episode 4 (1 time)

Life goes on, and I must move on with it.

Surface

So....I haven't posted in a while...sorry about that...notthatanyoneactuallyreadsmyblog...

Anyways, things have been crazy busy with me lately, but despite all of the chaos, I feel very...accomplished. I've gotten a few emails from my dad, most of them just silly nonsense, but I let myself get upset over them and I also allowed the stress from my dad to impact my life in general, and that is not okay.

So, I have devised a plan to let go of everything I've been holding on to. I am going to write a list of things I want to tell my dad. A list full of regrets, shames, secrets, and anything else I want to write on it. Just knowing that I'm gonna make this list makes me feel lighter and more free.

So today, I forgot about my dad and just enjoyed life, and I gotta say, enjoying life is fun.

I laughed like crazy, danced when I felt like it, and smiled just because I wanted to.

It was beautiful.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm treading water, and it's all I can do to keep my head up, and sometimes waves hit me and I'm sinking, but now today, I felt my feet touch the bottom, I think I finally found the shore.

All in all, things are looking bright.

"The future depends on what you do today." -Mahatma Ghandi

Talent

Do you ever have one of those moments when you realize you're good at something? I don't mean just good, I mean really good, like exceptionally, amazingly, fantastically good.

That's how I feel about my writing right now.

I've always been good at English, it's just one of my strong suits. I have a way with words, especially poetry and short stories. But lately I've been noticing that my other stuff is good too, like my essays and even my response questions. And it feels good to recognize this talent.

In all honesty, it feels good to feel good about something.

I'm just really happy. And I like it. A lot.

And my English teacher would totally kick me in the shin in the food court of a crowded mall for saying a lot, but right now, I'm too blissful to care.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." -Dalai Lama XIV

(In case anyone was wondering, I get most of my lovely quotes from here: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes )