Grace

I have so many things to be grateful for today.

First of all, my lovely family, both biological and adopted. I love them all so much, and the love they return to me is overwhelming.

Secondly, my amazing friends. They are always there for me no matter what, and I am so proud to call them my friends. A special shout out to my girls A, K, and G, my support T, and my DPB M. You in five in particular have helped me get through these rough times, whether it's late night texts, hugging me while I cry, or just supporting me in my time of need, you have all made a huge impact on my life. Without you I would just fall apart.

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing you are loved, and I have known this all along thanks to my wonderful family and friends, I love them all.

I'm also thankful for a few simple things. Shelter, food, water. Being alive. Happiness.

May you all find something to be thankful for in your lives.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Rising sun

Hey there everyone.
I realize my last post was fairly depressing, and I just wanted to clarify something. Despite the fact that my life is kind of stressful right now, I still manage to enjoy myself.
Small joys that brighten up my day, like jamming it out to Bohemian Rhapsody while everyone else is asleep, and watching the sunrise, or late night texts to people I miss and trying to supress my laughter because I don't want to wake anyone up.
And of course, I have big joys from the past that cheer me up. Like singing Bohemian Rhapsody on stage with some of my closest friends and going all out with air guitar and everything. Or surprise dance parties with dub step and chocolate milk. Or inside jokes that never stop being funny.
And I have lots of things to look forward to. Like my yearly visit with my birth family (which starts tomorrow!). And seeing T so I can finally give her a big hug. And visiting M in the fall and meeting all her awesome friends.
And that's how I get through my days. Working on my letter to my dad, trying to focus on the happy things, taking it one step at a time. A few texts to T and A here and there, all my emails to M.
I love my dad, despite everything, and I hope that one day I'll be able to talk about him without being upset, or angry, or depressed.
I hope I'll be able to forgive him.
I hope I'll be able to forgive myself.
I'd like to say I know things will be okay. But I don't. And that's okay.
The sun will continue to rise, no matter what. My life will continue without my dad.

Trust

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote rings so true to me, I can't even begin to explain it. But I'll try...

For diabetes, you have to be able to trust your instincts when you feel low, high, like you bolused too much, or too little. Sometimes you have to ignore what other people think or say and just follow your gut, and that can be really hard to do. However, you also need to be able to trust others as well. Like when your mom says she thinks your low because your grumpy, and you really want to tell you're not, but you test anyways. Or when you feel low, and your meter says you're 14.1.

I must admit, I sometimes have difficulty trusting. Not all the time, just with certain sensitive issues like my parents' divorce and all the details. So trusting myself is really important in my life. I do have some close friends that I trust with a few things, but honestly, I haven't sat down and told anyone all of my problems, secrets and inner thoughts. I just don't do that. I tell my diabetic friends things about diabetes, I tell my empathetic friends about my parents' divorce, I tell my friends who are good listeners all about my adoption. But I haven't told one person all of these things. Everyone in my life receives snippets of who I truly am, but not the whole picture. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing.

Returning to reality, all this to say, I trust myself more than anyone else. I am the only one who knows everything to know about me, and that's ok. Maybe one day I'll come across someone who I trust more than myself, but I'll deal with that when it happens.

Not a bad first post, if I do say so myself.

Here's another quote to finish it off.

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." - Ernest Hemingway