Moving on

So I sent my dad my letter on Tuesday, and I've been trying to write a post about it, but until now I was too upset to write anything decent. I was going to write a summary of the crazy phone call madness that occurred, but I've retold the story so many times at this point that I'd rather write something more reflective.

In writing my letter, I tried my best to not accuse my dad of anything so he wouldn't get defensive. I made it short and to the point, while expressing everything I wanted to say to him. I also included this paragraph long metaphor, comparing our relationship to a boat. Overall I thought it was a pretty good letter, but even after all my effort to keep it 'neutral' he was still defensive...he finds ways to interpret accusations out of everything I say.

In the end he said he wouldn't call me anymore and that I can call him when I was ready. I felt a huge amount of relief at this (although he did say that I was making a mistake). Then on Wednesday (the next day) he called me asking me if I wanted him to pick me up. Of course I said no, and he said to call him whenever I wanted to go see him. Then on Sunday, he called again (my phone was on silent so I listened to the voice mail) and he said he just wanted to see how I was doing and told me some stuff about work. He's acting as if nothing happened, and I don't understand why. He hardly ever calls me on the weekends, and now that I've asked him to leave me alone, he's suddenly calling me non-stop. I don't understand him...

Anyways, hopefully things will be better from now on, now that I've removed one of the major stress factors from my life. I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who's helped me. I love you all.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Signature

So I was listening to this song on the radio the other day, and I just listened to it again, this time while reading the lyrics, and it made me think of my dad. I know the song is supposed to be about her boyfriend, but when I imagined that I was singing it to my dad, for the most part, it made sense.
Anyways, I've been working on a letter to send my dad, since I could never tell him how I feel out loud. I just really hope he understands. I've been fiddling with it for the past week or so, and I'm actually quite happy with what I have right now. I'm going to handwrite the final copy, partly because it makes it more personal, partly because I hope that in signing the letter, I'll get some closure.

Rising sun

Hey there everyone.
I realize my last post was fairly depressing, and I just wanted to clarify something. Despite the fact that my life is kind of stressful right now, I still manage to enjoy myself.
Small joys that brighten up my day, like jamming it out to Bohemian Rhapsody while everyone else is asleep, and watching the sunrise, or late night texts to people I miss and trying to supress my laughter because I don't want to wake anyone up.
And of course, I have big joys from the past that cheer me up. Like singing Bohemian Rhapsody on stage with some of my closest friends and going all out with air guitar and everything. Or surprise dance parties with dub step and chocolate milk. Or inside jokes that never stop being funny.
And I have lots of things to look forward to. Like my yearly visit with my birth family (which starts tomorrow!). And seeing T so I can finally give her a big hug. And visiting M in the fall and meeting all her awesome friends.
And that's how I get through my days. Working on my letter to my dad, trying to focus on the happy things, taking it one step at a time. A few texts to T and A here and there, all my emails to M.
I love my dad, despite everything, and I hope that one day I'll be able to talk about him without being upset, or angry, or depressed.
I hope I'll be able to forgive him.
I hope I'll be able to forgive myself.
I'd like to say I know things will be okay. But I don't. And that's okay.
The sun will continue to rise, no matter what. My life will continue without my dad.