Forgiveness

I am not going to hold grudges anymore. It's not worth the energy. I am going to learn lessons from my mistakes and then move on.

I've forgiven those who have hurt me recently. This doesn't mean that I've forgotten everything that they've done, or that everything will go back to "normal". It means that I'm not gonna be mad at them anymore.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason."

Unfurl your wings

I have decided I'm going to be happy. Now matter what come my way, I am going to get through it, with a smile on my face. There are so many people in worse situations than me. Like starving children in Africa. Or families living in the "slums" of India. Or women being abused by their husbands. The list goes on and on. I am doing WAY better than these people. I am better than good.


"Don't worry, be happy." - Bob Marley

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." - John Lennon

Peace, Love, and Happiness to you all.

New Beginnings

Today was the first day of school. I'm pretty happy with my classes, all of my teachers seem nice, and I have friends in almost all my classes. Overall, I feel...tired. And kinda hungry...I should do my blood sugar...Anyways, I'm mainly tired 'cause I woke up at 7am today when I've been waking up at 9 or 10 (or 11:30). Also today we went to all eight of our classes, just to get the sense of where they are and meet the teachers and stuff, so basically I did WAY more walking around today then I usually would at school. I'm not trying to complain, but finding your way around a two story, rather large (in my opinion) school in the midst of around 2000 other people when you only have a basic idea of where you're going...it can be a bit stressful, to say the least. Although it certainly doesn't seem as daunting as my first year there...

So, continuing on, just wanted to put up a post to update y'all. Not much going on with me really, although my uncle's wedding is coming up, which normally wouldn't be THAT exciting except I get to walk my two year old cousin down the aisle since he's gonna be the ring bearer and my uncle needs someone to 'keep an eye on him'. Along with the fact that my little cousin is adorable and I love him heaps, I get to wear a super cute dress along with these new shoes I got that are kinda like fashionable combat boots. My grandma is probably gonna freak but it looks pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

Other than that, there's not much else to report...but I seriously am hungry and possibly low, so I gotta go.

Here's a quote for the 'new year'.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Moving on

So I sent my dad my letter on Tuesday, and I've been trying to write a post about it, but until now I was too upset to write anything decent. I was going to write a summary of the crazy phone call madness that occurred, but I've retold the story so many times at this point that I'd rather write something more reflective.

In writing my letter, I tried my best to not accuse my dad of anything so he wouldn't get defensive. I made it short and to the point, while expressing everything I wanted to say to him. I also included this paragraph long metaphor, comparing our relationship to a boat. Overall I thought it was a pretty good letter, but even after all my effort to keep it 'neutral' he was still defensive...he finds ways to interpret accusations out of everything I say.

In the end he said he wouldn't call me anymore and that I can call him when I was ready. I felt a huge amount of relief at this (although he did say that I was making a mistake). Then on Wednesday (the next day) he called me asking me if I wanted him to pick me up. Of course I said no, and he said to call him whenever I wanted to go see him. Then on Sunday, he called again (my phone was on silent so I listened to the voice mail) and he said he just wanted to see how I was doing and told me some stuff about work. He's acting as if nothing happened, and I don't understand why. He hardly ever calls me on the weekends, and now that I've asked him to leave me alone, he's suddenly calling me non-stop. I don't understand him...

Anyways, hopefully things will be better from now on, now that I've removed one of the major stress factors from my life. I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who's helped me. I love you all.

Miles away, but still close

So I just got back from my yearly visit with my birth family on Saturday. I LOVE spending time with them, so I always have a blast when I'm with them, but saying goodbye is always really hard. Basically, it's full of hugs and kisses and even some tears, and it always leaves me with a heavy heart. It makes me wonder...what would it be like if I lived closer? I could see them all the time, go to everyone's birthdays, watch my brother's soccer games, see my cousins' dance recitals...but at the same time, I feel like it wouldn't be as special. If I saw them all the time, it wouldn't be the same. Maybe we would get into more fights, notice each others' faults, get on each others' nerves...and honestly, I really like living here. If we had moved closer to them, I never would have met so many important people. Like M, my first friend here, or K, or G, or A, or N, or T. And I wouldn't have gone to camp and met my DPB (dead pancreas buddy) M. I just wish I got to see my birth family a little more, that's all.

Also I just wanted to say that I have finished my letter and I am sending to my dad this evening, with A here for moral support of course.

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Signature

So I was listening to this song on the radio the other day, and I just listened to it again, this time while reading the lyrics, and it made me think of my dad. I know the song is supposed to be about her boyfriend, but when I imagined that I was singing it to my dad, for the most part, it made sense.
Anyways, I've been working on a letter to send my dad, since I could never tell him how I feel out loud. I just really hope he understands. I've been fiddling with it for the past week or so, and I'm actually quite happy with what I have right now. I'm going to handwrite the final copy, partly because it makes it more personal, partly because I hope that in signing the letter, I'll get some closure.

Rising sun

Hey there everyone.
I realize my last post was fairly depressing, and I just wanted to clarify something. Despite the fact that my life is kind of stressful right now, I still manage to enjoy myself.
Small joys that brighten up my day, like jamming it out to Bohemian Rhapsody while everyone else is asleep, and watching the sunrise, or late night texts to people I miss and trying to supress my laughter because I don't want to wake anyone up.
And of course, I have big joys from the past that cheer me up. Like singing Bohemian Rhapsody on stage with some of my closest friends and going all out with air guitar and everything. Or surprise dance parties with dub step and chocolate milk. Or inside jokes that never stop being funny.
And I have lots of things to look forward to. Like my yearly visit with my birth family (which starts tomorrow!). And seeing T so I can finally give her a big hug. And visiting M in the fall and meeting all her awesome friends.
And that's how I get through my days. Working on my letter to my dad, trying to focus on the happy things, taking it one step at a time. A few texts to T and A here and there, all my emails to M.
I love my dad, despite everything, and I hope that one day I'll be able to talk about him without being upset, or angry, or depressed.
I hope I'll be able to forgive him.
I hope I'll be able to forgive myself.
I'd like to say I know things will be okay. But I don't. And that's okay.
The sun will continue to rise, no matter what. My life will continue without my dad.